Did you know?

The early bird doesn’t actually ever get the worm, because Tom Waits always gets to it first with his nightcap of tequila.

Did you know?

Tom Waits’ official statement on the phenomenon of emo music was: “If they were really as down on life as they proclaim, they’d quit their whining and get to drinking like the rest of us.” Words of wisdom.

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Even though he’s had a long and extremely successful career, Tom Waits has the worst credit in the world. Credit card companies refuse to issue credit cards to Tom’s name because they know that although it hasn’t happened yet, there’s still a great risk that Tom might blow his entire fortune on a bender and disappear into thin air. So Tom’s forced to use cash to make his liquor purchases.

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Tom Waits was on the verge of a successful career as a lion tamer before it turned out that the lions were so terrified of Waits that after one session with him they would turn into a whimpering mess, thus rendering the whole act a tad pathetic. Henceforth Tom was forced to turn his menacing energy towards pianos, who are also at times seen whimpering after an especially hair raising performance.

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Tom Waits is the world’s greatest multi-instrumentalist, having received the title by playing 276 different instruments at once. Sufficient to say that during the performance Tom was playing a harpsichord with the knuckle of the middle toe on his left foot, while his right earlobe was busy strumming away at a sitar.

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Tom Waits is made up entirely of stem cells and can regenerate or change shape at will. The rough and ragged form we all know and love is a deliberate and well thought out choice.

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Jesus may have turned water into wine, but Tom Waits turns water into Jack Daniels whiskey. Without even trying.

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Tom Waits owns and operates a center for troubled youths. At the center, youngsters from the ages of 9 to 20 can participate in Waits’ Coolness Seminars in which he teaches the kids how to swagger, hold their liquor and give Tom’s famous 20 yard stare which has been know to cause minor seizures and strokes at its most extreme.  

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Tom Waits can produce diamonds by squeezing a lump of coal between his buttocks. Tom refuses to reveal how this fact has come to his knowledge.

Did you know?

Tom Waits has four nipples. Two regular ones, and two that produce a different brand of beer each. Waits has to make sure not to pass out in a bar, for fear of being milked by alkies.