Tom Waits sans chat

Did you know?

Tom Waits had his portrait painted by Pablo Picasso right before the master’s death. The painting featured a black trilby hat, partially obscuring a piano grin with a cigarette limply hanging off its lip. The rest of the painting consists of a fountain of razor sharp triangles cutting into each other, threatenning to cut into the central figure. Some refer to the painting as proof of Picasso’s fear of castration, but then again Waits has been known to inspire the same fear even in women!

Baby you can drive my car

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Tom Waits drives a custom made Ford Thunderbird that runs on broken dreams. It’s a big hit with environmentalists.

Thaughmment Wiaeghchts

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Tom Waits’ original name is Thaughmment Wiaeghchts, however, the Gaelic beauty of the name was lost on anybody’s tongue but Tom’s himself, with reported cases of seizures amongst those who tried to pronounce the full name correctly. Being a humanist, we now know Thaughmment Wiaeghchts simply as Tom Waits.

The horse whisperer

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Tom Waits is a genius at playing the ponies. When Tom places a wager, the details are immediately transfered to the jockey of Tom’s favourite, who then proceeds to tell the horse that if he doesn’t come first Tom Waits will eat him for lunch. He never loses.

Tom vs. the mountain

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Tom Waits had a house built on top of mount Vesuvius, apparently in order to show the mountain what for in case it ever wants to errupt again. Geologists claim that whatever rumbles were heard beneath the Vesuvius soil have ceased ever since the house was built.

The missing link

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It was discovered that Tom Waits’ DNA contains traces of neanderthal origin that are not present in any other human being. On the subject of his neanderthal heritage Waits commented “Hrumph!” and proceeded to climb up a tree where he spent a month drinking and banging away at various percussion instruments.

It’s gettin’ hot in hur

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Tom Waits has a refillable ice pack installed in the seat of all his pants because his natural core temperature exceeds 120 degrees Fahrenheit (50 Celsius). Thus if not constantly cooled, Tom may literally cook himself alive. Whenever playing a piano Tom must also wear a vest with an additional ice pack, since at the piano his core temperature has been known to leap up another 20 degrees.

Whatever happened to the 80’s

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Tom Waits doesn’t remember anything from the 80s. His mind efficiently erased anything to do with the cursed era of fishnets, hairspray and the Human League, as a means of keeping his music from being infected. Whenever anything from the 80’s comes to Tom’s attention, his friends and loved ones make sure to quickly explain that what he’s seeing are scenes from horrible sci fi B movies made for TV.

Divine intervention

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Tom Waits is an official God in the Hindu religion. According to popular prophecy, when the demon king Ravana will come to claim the Earth at the end of days, the Hindu deities will use Tom Waits as a weapon against the forces of evil. The Gods will blow their divine breath through Tom and create such a sound as to blow all of Ravana’s minions out into the cosmos. As reward, Waits will then proceed to rule India. When asked about his thoughts on the prophecy, Waits simply shrugged and said “Just, wake me up when it’s time to blow me”.

Do the evolution

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Tom Waits is responsible for the extinction of at least 50 endagered species in the past 40 years. The poor critters in question couldn’t handle the tuhnderous noise of Tom’s music, which they felt as mighty vibrations in the earth, and chose to keel over and die. But hey, that’s evolution for ya!