Author Archive

Tomagraph

May 5, 2009

Did you know?

Tom Waits does not send SMS’s. Nor does he leave voice messages, instant messages or uses chat programs of any kind. Instead, he would carve his message onto the surface of a bar, or a wet plank of wood left on the street, or the thigh of a young call girl. Circumstances will do the rest. In any case, by the time you have seen it, it’s already too late.

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It’s a bird!

April 30, 2008

Did you know?

Tom Waits can fly. It’s a regular bar trick of his and many people who had spent the whole of the previous night drinking with him claim to have seen him perform this amazing feat, then start laughing uncontrollably because they remember something funny he said and pass out.

When giants meet

April 29, 2008

Did you know?

Before planning a collaboration with the Rolling stones, Tom Waits and Keith Richards were put together in the same room for about 15 minutes as a test run. Supposedly nothing happened. But later that night anyone who was in the building at the time got laid and also developed a dependency on an addictive drug. No conclusions have been drawn or resolutions made as to whether this is a desired or an undesired outcome of the combination.

The learned Waits

April 27, 2008

Did you know?

Being a badass isn’t the same as being a barbarian. Tom Waits has actually had quite a bit of schooling. He was the first in his class in Hardship kindergarten, graduated from Hard Knocks high school, and has earned a degree from Life Sucks university, magna cum lousy . Though these establishments don’t issue certificates, his drinking, brawling and lady killing ways are satisfactory enough credentials, and he’ll be more then happy to show them to you for the mere price of a drink or a sucker punch, unless you’re a good looking broad (the last being negotiable, depending on the quantity and the quality of the first two).

McGloom

April 22, 2008

Did you know?

Tom Waits isn’t always the fun loving, happy go lucky kind of guy we know and love. No one knows what he’s like when really depressed. No human mind could understand, let alone handle that kind of melancholy. When Tom gets really mortally depressed, which happens only once a year or so, He can’t drink nor write. When this happens, not a bar, nor strip joint, nor 15 dollar prostitute, nor any of those classic remedies will do. To get over a Tom Waits class depression, Tom must find the nearest McDonald’s branch, order a happy meal, and eat the tasteless hamburger in the gloominess of the neon light and infantile decor while salting his fries with his tears. It is not a pretty sight, but it’s the only thing that does the trick.

Tele-alchoholinesis

April 21, 2008

Did you know?

Tom can consume the content of a bottle with his mind! He can do this at a distance of almost 25 meters. Tom discovered this skill when one night in a bar he ran out of money and the bartender was being a bastard. Tom emptied half the bottles behind the bartender’s back only by staring at them, and really really wanting another drink. So remember kids, when there’s a will, there’s a way!

The devil you say!

April 18, 2008

Did you know?

It is a well know theological fact that Tom Waits made a pact with the devil to be so talented and acquire world wide fame. Before the pact the devil was a talentless nobody.

Man to man

April 17, 2008

Did you know?

It is said that Tom Waits had once made Chuck Norris shed a tear. It is unknown how or why, but it’s estimated that Tom did not use violence or drugs, for the two would have no affect on Chuck Norris. Safe to imagine that it is with the help of a piano, a bottle of whiskey and a rhyme about a night in Singapore, that Tom managed to strike a chord in Norris’ heart. The tear however, did not have any medicinal effect on the lung cancer patient lying beneath him. Live and learn.

Tomfoolery

April 16, 2008

Did you know?

Tom Waits doesn’t pull pranks on people. He confronts them with the misery and tragedy of their existence.

Golden shower

April 14, 2008

Did you know?

Tom Waits’s urine has the highest pecentage of alcohol than any other liquid known to man, though it is rarely used for pharmacuetical purposes. Mostly, he serves it up with ice in parties.


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