Posts Tagged ‘stories’

Taming Tom

July 8, 2008

Did you know?

Tom Waits was on the verge of a successful career as a lion tamer before it turned out that the lions were so terrified of Waits that after one session with him they would turn into a whimpering mess, thus rendering the whole act a tad pathetic. Henceforth Tom was forced to turn his menacing energy towards pianos, who are also at times seen whimpering after an especially hair raising performance.

Tom Waits sans chat

June 22, 2008

Did you know?

Tom Waits had his portrait painted by Pablo Picasso right before the master’s death. The painting featured a black trilby hat, partially obscuring a piano grin with a cigarette limply hanging off its lip. The rest of the painting consists of a fountain of razor sharp triangles cutting into each other, threatenning to cut into the central figure. Some refer to the painting as proof of Picasso’s fear of castration, but then again Waits has been known to inspire the same fear even in women!

The missing link

June 12, 2008

Did you know?

It was discovered that Tom Waits’ DNA contains traces of neanderthal origin that are not present in any other human being. On the subject of his neanderthal heritage Waits commented “Hrumph!” and proceeded to climb up a tree where he spent a month drinking and banging away at various percussion instruments.

Divine intervention

June 5, 2008

Did you know?

Tom Waits is an official God in the Hindu religion. According to popular prophecy, when the demon king Ravana will come to claim the Earth at the end of days, the Hindu deities will use Tom Waits as a weapon against the forces of evil. The Gods will blow their divine breath through Tom and create such a sound as to blow all of Ravana’s minions out into the cosmos. As reward, Waits will then proceed to rule India. When asked about his thoughts on the prophecy, Waits simply shrugged and said “Just, wake me up when it’s time to blow me”.

Super Awesome Tom Waits Vision

May 26, 2008

Did you know?

Tom Waits’s record company once tried to market special 3D glasses called “Super Awesome Tom Waits Vision”. The glasses, when worn, simply rendered everything within site into musical instruments, sexy dames and various alcoholic beverages. The glasses were recalled after some bespectacled teenagers broke into the San Diego zoo and proceeded to play a tiger like a piano, to sexually harass a giraffe and to try drink a penguin dry. No animals were hurt in the making of this amazing Tom Waits fact.

The Waits bastards

May 26, 2008

Did you know?

As expected Tom Waits has fathered numerous bastard children around the world as result of vigorous sowing of wild oats. What was unexpected is that these children all convened together one stormy moonless night and decided that the best way to get back at their absentee father was to start an accounting company together. Thus, “Waits & Waits & Waits & Waits & you get the drift accounting” was born, and has been weighing on Tom’s neck like an albatross ever since.

Monty Python Waits

May 23, 2008

Did you know?

Back in the seventies, Tom Waits was all set up to become the seventh member of Monty Python. As Tom is especially manly and gruff, he was to play only female parts. The result was such hilarity that the Flying Circus crew could not keep from falling on the floor laughing, thus becoming unable to do their jobs. Tom was sorrowfully let go, though on behalf of some of the Python members, this was quite a relief, since they were seriously becoming worried of being upstaged.

Old Sloshy

May 21, 2008

Did you know?

Tom Waits once tried to produce his own wine called “Old Sloshy”, however due to gross mismanagement the first crop of the newly established vineyard was demolished when Waits and his workers (i.e. buddies) decided that they really didn’t feel like waiting for the wine to ferment. After finishing every single grape in the estate and not feeling any drunker, Waits consented that perhaps when it comes to booze he should stick to purchasing and consuming.

Tom the Olympian

May 19, 2008

Did you know?

Tom Waits once petitioned the Olympic committee to introduce drinking and driving as an Olympic sport, claiming that first of all otherwise it would be irresponsible to make it a sport at all, and secondly, that he would totally kick ass.  

Frontal lobotomy anyone?

May 18, 2008

Did you know?

When Tom Waits sings “I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy,” he speaks from experience. Waits was once all set to go forth with the lobotomy procedure, he thought it might give him a real good “buzz”. However, when notified that after the lobotomy he wouldn’t be able to do much, especially drink, he decided that he’d rather have the bottle in front of him.


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